I wrote this a little over 2 years ago..I was instructed to read a poem in class today.I almost read this. Didn't though...was too afraid to expose such a vulnerable side of me. When I got home, I read it to myself..the pain came rushing back like a bitter memory..I felt sad, I felt afraid, but I also realised...this poem - It says it all. In the year of 2004, I lived his life, and kept him alive in my mind..
Lying in bed, I thought
'I just can’t move on'
My world had been altered
Since you’ve been gone.
Tenderly, each night I urged the
Pain and grief to fade away,
I held my head in desperation
I had no strength left to stay.
I tried to “move on”, “let go”
Yet, memories I wished to keep,
I gathered them lovingly one by
One, unable to sleep.
Wherever my lifeless eyes looked,
I saw a part of you,
I couldnt quite fathom your death
Was it really true?
I awaited that drunken call,
I awaited that random mail,
I waited in silent hunger,
I fell apart. I grew frail.
But then…dawned realization,
I realized then that you’re still here
I felt a ray of hope shine through
You're here in me, so near.
In frailty, I sought my strength
In sleeplessness, I found sleep
I strenously guarded those memories of
You that I would keep.
You called me your soul mate
And I called you mine,
We will always be together
Because our thoughts still entwine.
I still feel your feelings,
And I can speak your mind,
I will live your life for you
While you're released from the bind.
I'll read the books you wanted to
In the dead of night,
I'll watch those works of art for you
I’ll give you back your sight.
I’ll eat the food you liked to eat,
I’ll try to quench your thirst,
I’ll listen to your music so loud
The speakers almost burst.
I’ll cry for you when you feel sad
I’ll flash your smile in mine,
And I tell myself, fear not.
Everything’s going to be fine.
You made me who I am
It’s you I’d do this for,
I let you live inside of me
I let you live some more.
We unite, in silent satisfaction
We united, darling brother
Till the day I die and beyond that,
We will be together.
People can still hold you, feel you,
In me, it’s you they see,
Rest in peace, my brother
You are alive, in me.
Missing Toto again. I wonder where he is now, what he's upto...can he still see us, feel us, or has he left all that behind on some journey towards where we all ultimately land up? Are we in this world, just some distant memories or some sort of deja vu? Or is he watching every move of ours?
Wherever he is, whatever's become of him...I hope he knows I love him and miss him.
p.s. Did i ever thank you baby, for saving me from self destruction during this time? I wouldn't have survived without you.