Stooopid

Watching a youtube video sent to me about how women are airbrushed and distorted on advertisements to look "perfect", I started to think about how many people in the world wish they looked different in some way or another. And I began to wonder if this was merely a desire to change their appearance, or whether its a desperate and pathetic want to change what lies beneath the surface.Unless you're a model, i think beauty doesn't lie in the sharpness of the nose or the roundness of a breast so perhaps it is something internal that women all over the world change to supposedly increase their self-esteem.

I drifted onto thoughts about the world, and once again, to my view of it. My stupid naive view of the world. I think about the numerous times that I have watched the world and it's people, and marvelled at the superficiality and stupidity of it all. And the times that I have deliberately overlooked all that, foolishly and desperately convincing myself that there is something more to the world than all that. The times that I have forcefully driven cynicism out of my thoughts, and have been called naive. The endless times I have trusted people blindly and suffered because of it. The numerous occasions on which loved ones have let me down. Perhaps I am no different. Maybe I'm just as selfish and fucked up as them, and just can't see it because I'm me.

There was a time when I felt happy when I was called naive and innocent. At any cost, I would rather have been naive and happy, than cynical and bitter. Innocent and carefree, rather than shrewd and tangled up in the fuck ups of the world.

I'd remain happy in my little world. And that's all I cared for. Selfish, perhaps. I saw atrocities committed, and they upset me, but I strongly believed justice would triumph, sooner or later if not immediately. I tried to play my tiny role in the justice of it all. How naive even that is! I saw myself hurt again and again, but instead of giving up on the idea of friendship, I chose to see the light...another friend, somewhere else in the world who seemed to be different. Against my better judgement and the advice and warnings of people I know who look out for me, I trusted people too easily and too much.

What gave me that ardent faith in people and goodness, I don't know. But I stand here today, defeated in the face of cynicism and reality. Once again. It isn't the first time, or the second, or the third...it is the 100th time, maybe more. The hopeless thing is, I'm hopeless. I think I need help. How does one change everything they ever believed in? Hasn't enough happened in my life to naturally change it all? But why haven't I changed then?

I sit here, moaning and complaining. What a pain in the arse. Deep inside the depths of my soul or whatever, I know that no amount of complaining will help unless I choose to help myself. But then I'm faced with another dilemma..will transforming myself into a cynical, bitter and faithless person help me? Or drown the real me in this sea of superficiality and cynicism that the world demands of people today?

I'm constantly trying to find that equillibrium between what I have chosen to be or not to be, and what the world requires me to be in order for me to survive in it. I don't know if I should change because I don't know what will be left for me in this world if I have no hope of faith, trust and friendship in it...but if i do change, what will be left of ME?

Like I said, there was a time when being called naive and innocent made me smile. But a part of me wonders...am I mistaking naivete and innocence for stupidity? I've done this whole ridiculous self-reflection thing over and over again, and drawn the same conclusion...that either I need to change and adjust to the world, or I need to accept the consequences of being naive and innocent in a world where innocence is not a quality, its a curse. Or maybe I am not naive and innocent at all. Maybe I'm just dumb. A wise friend once said to my sister - there's a difference between being nice and being dumb.

I can no longer use innocence and naivete as an excuse for not seeing blatant signs staring me in the face. That's just stupid.

So I hereby claim to be, not naive and innocent...
.....but just plain old stooopid.

The End of an Era

My year at LIPA comes to an end today. It's been a year full of so many things. I learnt a lot, about dance, about living alone, about friendship and love, about competition and surviving in the performing arts industry.

I've learnt a whole range of western styles of dance..Martha Graham technique. Nikolai technique, imporvisation techniques, ballet, jazz, street dance and a little bit of tap dancing(although i'm not quite sure the tap amounted to 2 weeks worth of classes, so I won't count that as learning an art form, but rather learning the theoretical history behind tap dance, which not surprisingly is similar to kathak).

But what I take back with me from here that I will really really cherish and remember forever is not anything LIPA taught me, but what LIPA inadvertently brought into my pathway. The people in it. What never ceased to amaze me every single time I went out with my friends from LIPA was that at any given time there were people from different nationalities there. On the way back from the beach the other day, there were 7 of us, each from a different part of the world - Cataline from Argentina, Snorre from Norway, Nick from England, Graham from America, Richard from Ireland, Luis from Brazil, and me from India. There was so much to learn from all these people. Such tremendous cultural exchanges happened..Linda from Latvia taught me how to cook latvian couscous. Richard taught me Irish. Oh, and the way Richard and Luis proudly wore the kurtas I gave them..it was too sweet! I explained Indian classical music to them, we talked about the social and cultural problems in India at the same time as the situation of women in Egypt and the Magdalen laundries in Ireland which only completely closed down in 1980.

I learnt about how the dance cultures in India and the west are so different. In india, on the day of a show, you don't rehearse. infact, sometimes even on the day before a show, you rest. here, you're in from 9 in the morning for a show that starts at 7.30. In india, a week before the show, you just do 2 hour run throughs and go home and take a hot bath, here..you're still devising and changing things around till the last minute...loads of things like that.

I made really close friends in my dance class..three in particular..Becki Heath (Brown haired becki), Becky Smith (becky blue hair) and Georgia from Greece. They always encouraged me
when the unfamiliarity of the styles got the better of me. I love them dearly!

I also made friends outside my dance class..Richard and Luis, my two best friends and 'babies', Sibel and Nick..two very talented musicians and wonderful people..many many others..I won't be able to name them all..but people like Linda(Latvia), Ulysses(Switzerland), Nadya(Egypt), Josh (who's coming to India in August)...so many people. I have a friend in almost every part of the world now! I think that's amazing!

I'll also never forget the friends I made outside LIPA..my flatmates. Hannah, my twin who I share so much with (Led Zep, Movies, similar mishaps, Forrest Gump and family guy, intoxicated blabbering, COLDPLAY!), Emma who provided support at the most unexpected times (e.g. she cleaned my bloody foot when I couldn't reach it because of my knee injury), Mike who;s gay antics will be etched in my memory forever (I'll NEVER forget that catwalk in the living room!) and Rob, my partner in crime as far as alcohol consumption is concerned (don't be smothering youself to death by passing out on stale pizza again!)

Liverpool has been good to me. I'll miss it.