Thursday, June 28, 2007


Watching a youtube video sent to me about how women are airbrushed and distorted on advertisements to look "perfect", I started to think about how many people in the world wish they looked different in some way or another. And I began to wonder if this was merely a desire to change their appearance, or whether its a desperate and pathetic want to change what lies beneath the surface.Unless you're a model, i think beauty doesn't lie in the sharpness of the nose or the roundness of a breast so perhaps it is something internal that women all over the world change to supposedly increase their self-esteem.

I drifted onto thoughts about the world, and once again, to my view of it. My stupid naive view of the world. I think about the numerous times that I have watched the world and it's people, and marvelled at the superficiality and stupidity of it all. And the times that I have deliberately overlooked all that, foolishly and desperately convincing myself that there is something more to the world than all that. The times that I have forcefully driven cynicism out of my thoughts, and have been called naive. The endless times I have trusted people blindly and suffered because of it. The numerous occasions on which loved ones have let me down. Perhaps I am no different. Maybe I'm just as selfish and fucked up as them, and just can't see it because I'm me.

There was a time when I felt happy when I was called naive and innocent. At any cost, I would rather have been naive and happy, than cynical and bitter. Innocent and carefree, rather than shrewd and tangled up in the fuck ups of the world.

I'd remain happy in my little world. And that's all I cared for. Selfish, perhaps. I saw atrocities committed, and they upset me, but I strongly believed justice would triumph, sooner or later if not immediately. I tried to play my tiny role in the justice of it all. How naive even that is! I saw myself hurt again and again, but instead of giving up on the idea of friendship, I chose to see the light...another friend, somewhere else in the world who seemed to be different. Against my better judgement and the advice and warnings of people I know who look out for me, I trusted people too easily and too much.

What gave me that ardent faith in people and goodness, I don't know. But I stand here today, defeated in the face of cynicism and reality. Once again. It isn't the first time, or the second, or the is the 100th time, maybe more. The hopeless thing is, I'm hopeless. I think I need help. How does one change everything they ever believed in? Hasn't enough happened in my life to naturally change it all? But why haven't I changed then?

I sit here, moaning and complaining. What a pain in the arse. Deep inside the depths of my soul or whatever, I know that no amount of complaining will help unless I choose to help myself. But then I'm faced with another dilemma..will transforming myself into a cynical, bitter and faithless person help me? Or drown the real me in this sea of superficiality and cynicism that the world demands of people today?

I'm constantly trying to find that equillibrium between what I have chosen to be or not to be, and what the world requires me to be in order for me to survive in it. I don't know if I should change because I don't know what will be left for me in this world if I have no hope of faith, trust and friendship in it...but if i do change, what will be left of ME?

Like I said, there was a time when being called naive and innocent made me smile. But a part of me I mistaking naivete and innocence for stupidity? I've done this whole ridiculous self-reflection thing over and over again, and drawn the same conclusion...that either I need to change and adjust to the world, or I need to accept the consequences of being naive and innocent in a world where innocence is not a quality, its a curse. Or maybe I am not naive and innocent at all. Maybe I'm just dumb. A wise friend once said to my sister - there's a difference between being nice and being dumb.

I can no longer use innocence and naivete as an excuse for not seeing blatant signs staring me in the face. That's just stupid.

So I hereby claim to be, not naive and innocent...
.....but just plain old stooopid.


Blogger vichchoobhai said...

what a lengthy self analysis ! And at the end of it all u come to the conclusion that u r stupid. Dont worry u r in good company. To benaive is to be good. To be sensitive is the essence of life. So, regardless of one's bad experiences one should be sensitive, naive and yes, stupid. Otherwise we will miss all those unique experiences in life which go to build up our personality.

July 3, 2007 at 7:36:00 PM GMT+5:30  

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