I hate Goodbyes.

I'm Feeling Alone.
(by the way, this picture is outside my dance building at LIPA)

My father came to visit for a few days. And he left today. He's gone to Toronto for a conference, and will be back in England on the 5th of November. That's merely a week away. I'm going to see him next sunday for a day. But still....the goodbyes seemed so difficult.

I dont know what it is. It's not like I'd prefer someone from home to be with me in Liverpool all the time. I'm vaguely getting used to being alone. I've formed some sort of balance in my life here. A rhythm that's entirely mine. So anyone entering this space here permanently would disturb the equillibrium. I know that.

Then why do I feel like Atlas holding up the world on my shoulders everytime someone leaves? Everytime this happens, I feel acutely aware of how the people who love me must've felt when I left to come here.

Uffff. I think its just a phobia of goodbyes that I have. And I think it goes deeper than I think. I think its a fear of never seeing them again. I think that part of childhood where you fear that you'll never see your loved ones if they leave you for even a minute, is in some subconscious way, still alive in me.

Digging even deeper, I think fearing goodbyes is directly a result of my phobia of death. Not my own. But of the people I love. And man, have I experienced a lot of that in the last few years.

Ehhh...feeling weird. I think I'm going to go heat up some lunch, and head out for a walk.