I've let go

I was just dozing off on the train on my way to London this weekend that just passed us by, when I found myself thinking that the last 3-4 years have been so incredibly full of difficulty and loss. And suddenly it dawned on me - this is what growing up is! The older you are, the more loss you're bound to feel, because you know more about everything in general. Was it for that reason that someone said ignorance is bliss? I thought about how Ganesh deals with loss and how strong he is. I suppose the more you grow up, loss and death and difficulty become more and more frequent, and over time, instead of being so horrified and shocked, which is how I've been, perhaps you start to learn to live with it all. And smile your way through it, conquering it. And perhaps that means that once you've accepted all that to be a part of life, it doesn't horrify you and terrify you the way it horrifies and terrifies me right now!

Suddenly, I felt comforted. I fell asleep.

Teachers at LIPA have been telling me to go and see a counsellor about the attack, and I've been resisting it because I think I'm strong enough to deal with it on my own. But I did eventually go to London to visit the counsellor that has always resulted in the best counselling I ever got. My father.

Talking to him about everything that was worrying me, arguing with him, reasoning with him, hearing what he had to say left me with a clarity that I haven't felt in weeks. I tackled one problem at a time, and found that I was letting go of each of them. I could feel the burden of each problem lifting itself off me and floating away, as I sat with abba in a pub, or in the hotel room.

Of course, it doesn't mean that all the trouble has just gone away just like that. I still have to deal with Personal Mitigation Circumstances forms, and not being able to do assessments, and visiting doctors, and the pain.

But what I feel now is bigger than all these problems. I feet at peace.

I feel stronger. I feel positive. I feel unconquered. I won't let the bad guy win. I won't I won't I won't. If I continue to feel dejected and upset, then he's won.

Thinking on the train to London, talking to my father in London, and thinking by myself since I've been back from London..I realised that I have let go. I've realised that I'm so ready to fight.
I realised that he's not going to win.