Thursday, August 24, 2006

Stoppp. And watch the world go by

Probably the only advantage of being completely jobless for 3 months, is that you get to see somethings you forget to see when you're not doing 'nothing'. It's been a month since I've been home, and I think I see what people mean when they say that they're breathing but not really living. Human relationships seem to have taken the back seat. Other things have taken up primary importance...

Everybody's so busy all the time. I have to go for a court case, I'll discuss this with you later. I have to go set up someone's house. I'm doing some work, call me later. I'm too far from where you are, I'll see you some other day. I'm sleeping, go away.I'm watching tv, I'll call you back.

Sure, I've been busy too.I'm not taking the moral highground here. In fact, I'm I sometimes like this too?? I stopped in my tracks. I can't now remember if i have or not. But I felt like I learnt something from doing just nothing. I realised that when we're busy, we're so busy that we don't have time for people.

Last night, I spent a lot of time at a nightclub with some friends after their long tiring day. What did we do? We stood inside in silence, consuming copious amounts of alcohol, unable to have a conversation because the decibel level of the music drowned out any noise made by human organs. And everyone was happy to just wind down, in complete silence, with some Ethanol.CH3CH20H. Ethanol.

Over the last month, I've called people I care about several times, without getting called back. I've taken out time to meet them, but something always comes up. Am i like this sometimes? I must be.

This last month, I've had my stomach knotted up all the time. I've felt very alone. Even though I'm constantly around people. It's like what Anette Benning said in American Beauty - I'm standing in the middle of a crowd, screaming my lungs out, but no one's listening. I mean, i'm not exactly in that situation...but I feel somewhat like how she probably did. I want to talk to people, I want to look at beautiful things as i pass by them and appreciate them, i want to share things with people i love...but no one's got any time.

I know in about 10 days, I will no longer be doing nothing. But I'm so scared that I'll become what I've seen this last month, that I hope I never let myself. I don't want to be so busy that I don't have the time to listen to what someone has to say, I don't want to be so busy that I can't appreciate the beauty that's constantly around us amidst the ugliness, I dont want to be so busy that I'm too tired at night to engage with someone i care about, I don't want to be so busy that my entire life goes by and I realise - Oh, I wish I'd listened, I wish I'd appreciated, I wish I'd engaged.

I've learnt something about lives of people who are on the run, on the road, on call all the time...because I've had a chance to stand aside and say - Hey, i'm doing nothing right now. I've just stopped. And I'm watching the world go by.


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